My baby brother would be 30 today.
That is a weird statement to me. First of all, the idea of Trey being 30 is so incredibly foreign. He’ll forever be 20 and gangly inmymind.Ornerywith a charming smile. The kind of guy who weed-eats in Wranglers, boots and no shirt. Even if he was still alive, I would struggle to wrap my head around it. Mostly because when you’re the eldest child and the youngest is so much younger, you always see them as the baby.
Also, I still struggle to accept that I, myself, am in my 40s. That is not possible. My friends and I are still in our 30s, thank you very much.
The truth is, if Trey walked into my house at 30 years old, I would still call him a kid. As the popular meme goes, he’s “just a baby.” My mind constantly conjures a chubby, smiley toddler with curls for days and a wide grin, running around the house, giggling. Or a skinny kid in a baseball uniform.
Trey would probably be annoyed by me calling him a kid.We’d have some back-and-forth, but eventually he would roll his eyes and grin at me, all forgiven. At least I’d like to think so.
You see, I feel like I never really got to know my brother. There are 11.5 years between us, and I essentially moved out of the house when he was 7 to go to university in another state. And then I ran off to South Korea when he was 11 and I was 22. I lived there until about six years after his death. So, we didn’t grow up together. My memories of him are mostly from his baby and toddler days, up into early elementary school.
I never really knew the young man that he grew into before he passed away.
I got a glimpse of it when he came to visit me in Seoul when he was 17. Trey being Trey, there were some bumps. He missed his flight from Tulsa because he got stuck behind a volleyball team in security. Somehow, he managed to get a flight out the next day without having to pay for it. When he got there, it was a fun week. I got to take him around the city and show him my life. I was excited because he was the first (and ultimately only) member of my family to come visit. We had Korean BBQ and visited Gyungbok Palace and Insadong. Hung out with my friends. Went to the open mic I helped manage and even visited the DMZ. Learned that even dalkgalbi (a chicken dish) has enough fish oil in it to set off his seafood allergies just a wee bit. Like any teen, he conveniently forgot to bring one of his EPI pens, and I was terrified all week that I would accidentally kill my brother with all the carefully hidden shrimp in so many Korean dishes. He took a ton of funny pictures that I believe he posted on some hidden Instagram account that I’ve still never found.
A year later, I came back for Trey’s high school graduation. I was happy that finally I wouldn’t be the only Kalka in my family to graduate from Chandler. I got to take him to his first Alumni. I came back two years later for alumni. Trey and I went to the party again. This trip, we spent some one-on-one time talking about deeper things, but also just having fun hanging out and playing video games.
If I had known that it would be the last time I would get to spend time with my brother face-toface, there’s a lot more I would have done and said. I think. I hope. I would have tried harder to keep in touch in between trips to the States.
But I’m not clairvoyant. There’s no way I could have known.
All I can do is cherish the memories I do have. Remember his smile, which was so much like our mother’s. Visit his Facebook page that is still up and read the comments and messages left by friends who knew him better than me. Try to get to know him a little bit more through the memories of others.
Happy 30th Birthday, Trey. I miss you much. Love you always.