All those special moments you can never experience again such as your high school graduation, the birth of your children, your wedding day, and countless others.
They only come once in a lifetime. You think about all the good things that happened on those days.
There are some of us, though, that have to think about things that did not happen on those important days. Pictures that we will never have that we should have taken. Cheers that we should have heard but did not.
For those of you who did not get those things, I am sorry. I know that does not make you feel any better but I want you to know there are others that share those feelings, too.
I remember the perfect moments of meeting my girls for the first time. How amazing it was to feel that amount of love.
Then, to watch countless people I love get to meet my babies and fall in love with them too. Wow, such an awesome feeling!
I also remember the moments when I did not get to watch you meet my babies. Wondering what you would have thought of just how tiny Charlee was.
What you would have thought of Tillie’s endless chunky cheeks. I watched so many people fall in love with the girls on those special days, but not you. I remember how happy I felt walking across the stage as Camron yelled “That’s my sister!”
He was trying to embarrass me but at that moment, I felt no embarrassment. Just felt proud of myself.
Proud I gave Camron and Zeb that achievement to look up to. After that ceremony, I remember all the hugs and congratulations I received.
I also remember not feeling your arms wrap around me while hearing you say, “Good job, kiddo!” or something along those lines. All those special moments I should have had but did not get.
Those empty moments clearly reside somewhere in my memory still no matter how hard I try to forget them. I deserved those special moments and it is not my fault that I did not get them.
That is something that took me a while to realize but I still question a lot of things. Why did you not make different choices for me? Why did you not make it a priority to give me those special moments?
I will still thank you though. I thank you for missing those moments because it made me realize I will never miss a single one of those big moments for my kids.
I will never let them have memories of things they didn’t get from me on special days.
When you know better, you do better. So, thanks for teaching me better.